Recovering Over Lover
"Awakening feels like looking at a mirror and wanting to break it."- Asia
Over and over we tried or we thought we did. Not sure the Guardians even know how many times we ran into the same wall before two springs ago. He and I ran in circle after circle trying to make it work and no matter what the we were misaligned-- looking like a classic case of Mary Jane Paul and David. When he broke up with me the last time I felt strung out. Losing him felt like losing family and even though he told me he would always be there for me.
I just wouldn't allow him to ever prove to me that he would indeed always be there for me. & to be fair we didn't have the most stable relationship.
One spring & 10 months later circumstances have changed and lifestyles have readjusted and I can say back than I was an artist at catastrophizing. I thought the worse and I didn't quite know how life would be, forgetting that my birth name I'Asia started with the letter I, and if I'd learned how to do anything growing up it was the art of survival. See when Mr.... what do I even call him i'll just call him Mr. Big met me I was freshly sorority pledged, private university happy but I was running.
Running from what at the time I didn't even know; but in truth I was running from the loss of my grandfather, my families dynamic. I was running from all the adjectives people described me as and all the pain from abuse and neglect, I was running from patterns and sameness. No one ever really sat down and validated my experience as mine, it was always enmeshed or demoted. At most it was questioned and discussed with others like some running joke to figure out the sense in it..... In retrospect I was running because I wasn't allowed to have my own narrative without a comment or remark--- and it was easy to minimize my experience because visibly I seemed okay; even if I really wasn't. Lets just say I internalized so much growing up.
Being around adults that couldn't really take my needs, pains or hurts serious I learned how to turn heart wrenching situations into opportunities. My ability to transfer negative situations into possibilities became my own type of black girl magic.
So when I met Mr. Big, subconsciously I was looking for a father, a replacement for my grandfather and a family. In reality I--- wasn't looking for a partner. I was looking for validation; I was looking for someone to tell me what I felt was real and even though I was a pretty girl attending a great university my pain was valid. I was looking for someone to tell me that who you are and what you're accomplishing doesn't mean that feeling, abandoned, unwanted and shameful aren't real. He wasn't able to fill all the roles but he tried his best too. He used to say "Asia you came to me with a table full of food and I only have room for one glass and a napkin." We would laugh but the baggage was real; and his ability to see past all the bags in my life was something they talk about in romance novels from the 1800's. But lets get real Mr. Big had a table full of food too; he just was blinded to it.
But back to me;I met Mr. Big and found a beautiful human with almond shaped eyes. My mind within moments probably thought "Oh Asia what a beautiful distraction." In truth he was a good candidate for what I didn't know I needed, family orientated, hard working, compassionate and giving.
We both in essence were givers.
So what I took in place of my pain and trauma was the demons of his past. I took on all his irresponsibility all the things he did as a result of running from his pain. It was a pretty replacement for my own pain.
To Be Continued...